She is Atzhiri Velazquez. Age at the moment: 8 Year: 2004. Her home in Logan Square was amazing. From the park and school to the lady who lived across from the park who bathed her kids on the corner. Her old neighborhood has seen her through her childhood and my pre-adolescence. The school, Frederick Funston Elementary was the most amazing home school ever! It held her best friends, the teachers that favored her (she was considered a little genius) and her neighbor who got in a fight with her once over something unnecessarily trivial.
We are looking at her now, Atzhiri is coming out of her "house", her parents have never owned a house, instead they lived in basement after rented basement. Even though they moved a lot Atzhiri never worried because they always stayed within her neighborhood boundaries, within the streets she knew so well. She has exited her door, her mother had just done her hair in a pony tail for school, it is a Wednesday. Even though she came out of the door she was still within the gates. Atzhiri is waiting for Erica, her friend from last year. Erica lived at the end of her block and she came to pick her up every morning at 7:48 and they would both walk together to school, which was only two blocks away.
Both girls were no longer in the same classroom, but they still talked, nothing about really. They mostly just walked. Laughed about the funny leaves or the lady who lived int he corner. As soon as they get inside the school both girls go their own way. And they do not see each other at all, even though their classrooms are across from each other.
We see Atzhiri going into Mr. Vargas' 4th grade class. Full of joy and laughter, she sits at her seat. The day goes by as any other day. Manny makes fun of her weirdly NATURALLY highlighted hair, Edwin asks her about her friend Maria, and Claribel is with her all the time, (besties)
It is the end of the school day now, with little homework Atzhiri exits the crowded school with her pink Hilary Duff book bag. She looks for her mom, finds her and they walk home together....
We are looking at her now, Atzhiri is coming out of her "house", her parents have never owned a house, instead they lived in basement after rented basement. Even though they moved a lot Atzhiri never worried because they always stayed within her neighborhood boundaries, within the streets she knew so well. She has exited her door, her mother had just done her hair in a pony tail for school, it is a Wednesday. Even though she came out of the door she was still within the gates. Atzhiri is waiting for Erica, her friend from last year. Erica lived at the end of her block and she came to pick her up every morning at 7:48 and they would both walk together to school, which was only two blocks away.
Both girls were no longer in the same classroom, but they still talked, nothing about really. They mostly just walked. Laughed about the funny leaves or the lady who lived int he corner. As soon as they get inside the school both girls go their own way. And they do not see each other at all, even though their classrooms are across from each other.
We see Atzhiri going into Mr. Vargas' 4th grade class. Full of joy and laughter, she sits at her seat. The day goes by as any other day. Manny makes fun of her weirdly NATURALLY highlighted hair, Edwin asks her about her friend Maria, and Claribel is with her all the time, (besties)
It is the end of the school day now, with little homework Atzhiri exits the crowded school with her pink Hilary Duff book bag. She looks for her mom, finds her and they walk home together....
Some of the wording in the first paragraph is weird...otherwise good.
ReplyDeleteWhy does she love her neighborhood so much?
Good "shell", more detail and plot i guess, i know it's a rough draght though...
Just "Her old neighborhood has seen me through", "instaed", ntohing about really" to "about nothing really", "clasrrom".
ReplyDeleteYeah, I agree with Anna, it has a nice shell but little had atually happened in the story. Good overall descriptions!
Hi leslie! interesting story! just fix the million grammar errors and addd some detes and maybe a moral? good job
ReplyDelete